Hello.
My name is Krysten. I decided to start this blog because I need. to. write. I am not one to just go telling my feelings to just anyone. I usually bottle them up... and let myself become mad, or sad. And never let anyone know whats really going on. Not the healthiest, I know. But in addition to all of that. I'm an actor. And I do let my feelings out while acting. I wanted to also start this blog, because I need to let out all of the roller coaster of emotions that goes on being an actor in Hollywood. It ain't easy. And it's probably harder than you think.
I have been living in California for 10 years, this year. Happy anniversary to me right :) Sometimes success moves faster for people than others. I remember telling myself, like 5 years ago, that by 10 years, I need to really question what I'm doing, if things haven't moved forward. (In my mind, meaning, if I'm not a famous actress.) But 5 years later, being today- I have realized thats not what it's about. I have always been a bit stubborn, not gonna lie. Even when it comes to learning... I want things to always remain a certain way. I know this about myself. Being in this business is really, really, hard. It really is. It's actually very confusing if your not mentally stable. I thought I was completely mentally stable until some of the things in auditions/on set have happened to me. Questioning myself? Questioning whether or not I'm good enough- the way I am naturally. No wonder there is so many drug problems, and plastic surgery in the business. People are so harsh on your look. And it's just not fair. When I lived back home, I was bigger than I am right now, but never worried about it. I never even noticed actually. I was totally fine with who I was. But when I moved here, I was told tons of things that made me not feel good about being myself. That sucks! However, I was unhealthy before and am thankful some things happened in order for me to learn how to not eat so badly, like I did before. Regardless. My point is. These people who demand this stuff from actors, are sitting there eating their twinkles, and telling us what to do - is just crazy ! It drives me crazy. But hey, I know this is what I signed up for. As most people say. Yea, I get that. All I'm saying is, why can't I just be myself? I can't help but watch these celeb gossip shows sometimes and start to wish to look like these stick then model/actresses. But why? What is wrong with me? Nothing ! But yet- their forcing it in your face that your normal is not good enough. And people love watching it and wishing they were celebs. It doesn't make sense.
Now that was a huge tangent. Let me get to what I really wanted to rant about. Like I said before, I'm passive aggressive. I typically don't speak up when I'd really like to. Or wouldn't you think I'd be telling casting directors or whatever to fuck off? Because you think I'm not good in that take, when I feel I did perfectly fine. Maybe if they didn't make the situation so cut throat, we could all relax and just do what we came there to do. But everyone has a stick up their ass and makes everyone feel so nervous. Ugh! Anyway. SO I had an audition back in December that I thought I did well in. And turns out I sort of did, cause I got a callback for it this week. But the call back to me, didn't go so well. So in my new year,new mood, I was trying to say fuck it. After every audition/call back. Just gotta walk away and let it go! Forget it. But yesterday morning I got a call from my agent saying I'm on hold. What in the hell. Now I'm like oh my gosh, I actually have a chance at this. Bringing me to my current state. So that was yesterday morning at 11 am. It's now friday at 1230 pm. an entire day of looking at my phone, hoping it's my agent every time. Ad guess what, I'll never know if I didn't get it until basically Monday, since thats when I know the fitting is. But basically in commercial world, from my own booking experience. I'd know by now. Or by 3pm today at least. But when I never get the call... Which is starting to make me really think I'm not. Since it's getting a little late. I have already gone through so much emotions in my mind. This commercial seriously would've been awesome to been in. The directors are a famous comedy duo. & the product is brand new. And getting a lot of hype. I would've really really really loved to have been in this. But looking back at last year to the other times I was also on hold, and that didn't turn into bookings. It hurts. It was the same thing last January actually. I could've been in a NFL Super Bowl commercial, which would've been so awesome to me. I know that it's a bit cynical to want to book these particular commercials. For the money, and for the airing time and where it'd be aired. I would love to be in a national commercial and for all my friends back home to see me. But I am learning in different ways that this is not what it's about. It's not what anything is about.
It shouldn't be that you do something in order for the credit. If you give something to someone, you need to genuinely give something to someone cause you want them to have it. Not so that they'll always give you credit, etc. And truly. I did want this commercial for the reasons of it airing in awesome places, but at the same time, the experience. I'd be working with a comedy duo and gain experience from them. It would've been awesome. It really would've.
So now that you know the torture us actors go through all in a week. And then it's over and then the next week it's off to more auditions and more very close to booking something- then rejections. Just gotta wait for the perfect booking. There has to be a bigger plan. There has to be a reason why all of this happens, and a learning experience from this. That I'll take with me to my next experience, and be able to own it better and book that. Nothing is wrong with me. Nothing is wrong with you. We are all just trying to be actors. And act. And be a apart of art. Thats what I want. & It will be. Just have to be patient.
<3
